Decisions
by NuthinButHuman
Summary: Raito had two options: Continue cleansing the world and soak his hands in the blood of an unborn child, or give up the Death Note and be free to be with the people he cares about.


Title: Choices

Pairing: L/Raito

Warnings: Genderswitch, slight OOCness

-Disclaimer: I don't own anything.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She hadn't moved a single inch since they told her the news. Curled up in the stark-white hospital bed with her black hair in wild disarray and her large dark eyes squeezed tightly shut, she looked even more waif-like than usual. But her breathing was deep and peaceful, and the doctor had assured the three of them (Watari, Soichiro, and Raito) that the young woman would be well enough to stand once she got some rest.

Raito sat on a chair drawn up beside the bed. His warm hands were rubbing some heat into L's cold fingers. After three hours, he still had to absorb the information the doctor had given them. Part of him – _Kira _– screamed at him to _just follow through with the original plan, you idiot! Do you honestly think she would show you the same mercy if it were you in her stead? _But the other part of him – the one closest to the innocent boy he had been – refused to obey. After everything they had been through, there was no way he could abandon her. Especially not now.

It had been nine days since Higuchi's arrest and subsequent death. L hadn't been acting herself lately. Sometimes she would stop in the middle of what she was doing and seemingly sink down into her thoughts. The Task force had pinned it down to stress and frustration stemming from working day and night on the endless Kira case.

Until L suddenly collapsed earlier that day.

Needless to say, the Task Force had panicked. They'd tried to revive her in the HQ building, to no avail. Her breathing was irregular, and when Raito put his fingers on her forehead, she'd been running a dangerously high fever.

That was when they rushed her to the hospital, despite her feeble protests when she at last came to.

The initial results were what they had expected. L had been pushing her body so hard, it had given way. A terrible diet plus late hours plus stress and emotional duress were enough to result in confinement to the hospital for a week or more, depending on her results.

But what had knocked the wind out of Raito were the following words Dr. Shirakawa told them.

_She is quite fortunate not to have lost the child…Normally, stress at that level is enough to cause a miscarriage. What on earth has the girl been doing?_

Raito had felt the blood drain from his face while his father stared at him in utter disbelief. Watari had said something about working overtime on an important project and had immediately gone to check on L.

Five hours late and a huge yelling match with his father found Raito inside L's hospital room, holding his lover's hand. The two older men had returned to the HQ building to deal with the other members of the Task Force.

"I'm so sorry, Ryuuzaki," he whispered. "I never meant to put you through all of this."

_Oh yeah, you just meant to eliminate her as fast as possible so she won't be able to disrupt your plans. _

He'd been looking down at L's hand in his. When he looked up, he saw that she had woken up and was staring at him. A world of emotion in her usually expressionless gaze.

What does one say to his worst enemy, his best friend, his secret lover, and the mother of his child? Raito stumbled around, searching for the right words., the right questions, reassurances. What finally left his mouth was: "How are you feeling?"

He felt like kicking himself. Here was L, lying on a hospital bed, an IV drip stuck in her arm restoring lost fluids into her system, half dead with exhaustion, with a baby she obviously hadn't the least idea of caring for inside her. Of course she was feeling terrible.

L, gallantly for her, refrained from any acerbic replies she would have offered had the situation been completely different. She simply moved her head higher up the pillows and said "I've been better.

"But Raito-kun doesn't look so well, either."

Raito looked closely at her face. The veil had dropped once again, shrouding whatever emotion L might be feeling. He cracked a wry smile. "I was worried about you," he said quietly.

L didn't respond. She was training her eyes on their intertwined hands. Belatedly, Raito remembered her penchant for distance. He dropped her hand and muttered an apology.

She said nothing, and simply tucked her hands under her pillows and if possible, curled up even tighter. She seemed to be trying to avoid putting Raito anywhere in her line of vision. Finally, her gaze settled on the space above Raito's left shoulder. There was no inclination of talking on both sides.

After a while, the tense silence finally became unbearable. Raito, after navigating his way around the lump that had mysteriously appeared in his throat, broke it by quietly asking.

"Do you want to talk about it…or anything?"

L's reply was devoid of emotion. But that didn't stop Raito from flinching. "There is nothing to talk about. Least of all with you. "

Taken aback, Raito was stung into defense. Her reluctance to be personally involved with anyone was back in full force. So much for the weeks he spent trying to overcome her barriers. But this was no ordinary personal matter she wanted to keep to herself. Raito took a deep breath and steadied himself. "Ryuuzaki, I don't want to get into another fight with you. But please, just this once, don't shut me out! That's my child as well as yours you're carrying. I deserve to at least have a say-so in what you plan to do!"

The young woman regarded him silently. "If you were anything other than my prime suspect, I would. But how can I be sure what you're planning has no personal gain for you? You are Kira-"

"For the last time, Ryuuzaki, how many times do I have to –"

"Don't lie to me!!!" L sat up, sudden ferocity in her gaze. Raito saw her force herself to stay calm. "Don't lie to me," she said, more quietly. "I saw you."

Raito felt sudden fear creep up his spine. "What do you mean you saw me?"

L hid her face in her hands, apparently trying to compose herself. She looked up after a few minutes. Raito saw her take note of the sudden tension that had overcome him, no matter how hard he fought to stay put. "It was in the helicopter," she began quietly "after the Death Note was handed to us. Just before Higuchi died, I saw you writing something down at the corner of my eye. A few moments later, Higuchi was dead of a heart attack. Right then, I knew. You are the first Kira."

Lead was pressing into Raito's lungs. That explained why directly afterwards, L flinched whenever he tried to touch her and stiffened whenever he was near her. But her telling him about her discovery didn't make any sense. "Then why? Why didn't you say anything? You had concrete proof. If you'd accused me directly, I would be on trial, not roaming free and fooling the rest of the Task Force. And endangering you and your guardian."

L drew her knees up to her chest and looked away. "It's true that turning you in would have been the end of all our troubles, and the end of this reign of terror. You would've been given the death sentence and that would have been that. Amane would have followed you as well, seeing as she was your accomplice. But I couldn't."

Raito stared at her. "I find it hard to believe that you would have acted purely out of your feelings for me."

She turned her head to look at him squarely in the eye. "In the days succeeding Higuchi's death, you seemed to be struggling with yourself."

"Struggling?" Raito raised an eyebrow.

L smiled, a small, fragile upward crescent. "You looked as if you were fighting a battle with yourself, as if you couldn't decide whether to be Yagami Raito or Kira. And something happened yesterday."

"Care to clarify?"

"You asked me what would happen to Kira if he or she were to be caught, when it should have been obvious to you. When I answered that the death sentence and _reclusion perpetua _were the only options, I saw the shinigami trying to inch out of the room. You gave a little shake of your head as if to warn her to stay put. I knew then…you must have some hope…of redemption."

Raito remembered then, directly after he'd told Rem to_ not harm L in any way. I'll deal with her personally_, he'd left the room to find L right outside. She'd said nothing, just simply held his face in her hands and pressed a soft kiss on his lips. He'd wrapped his arms around her and held her until Matsuda called them back.

But the memory did nothing to stop his trembling. _She knows…she knows…SHE KNOWS!!! _But neither did she seem willing to turn him in. He heard her begin to say something and wrenched his attention back to her.

Her voice had reclaimed its emotionless edge. "You may think you're saving this world, but by covering your hands with the blood of criminals, you have become one yourself. Even worse, the FBI agents you killed were after the same thing as you: Justice. So you've murdered your own kinsmen. No matter how many dark elements you frighten into hiding, they'll simply be there, waiting for the moment you lose. And has it never occurred to you that you're actually preventing justice from being given to their victims? You can only kill those you can reach, meaning the ones who have been caught and whose identities have been revealed to the public. The ones who escape simply blend in with the innocent, possibly harming even more." Here she paused. "So, Kira. Are you willing to kill three more people, one of them your own innocent, unborn child? Because if your actions haven't damned you so far, out deaths will."

Two pairs of approaching footsteps spared him from answering. A soft knock was heard, and then Watari opened the door and poked his head into the sparsely furnished space, Soichiro right behind him. Quietly, he summoned Raito outside.

"I'll be seeing you then, Raito-kun." He heard L whisper.

Raito glanced back, but she was no longer looking at him. Instead, her eyes were fastened outside the window, where the lights of Tokyo spread out and around, a reminder of the force of change, the beats of life.

The car ride back to Raito's home was a quiet one. Soichiro wasn't at all inclined to speak with him, and for the matter, neither was he. When they reached the house, Soichiro slammed the car door and brushed past his wife and daughter. Raito got out more slowly, absently kissed his mother and sister, and headed straight to his room.

_Your choice, Raito_….

He flopped down on his bed and shut his eyes. He hadn't turned the light on, but it didn't matter, anyways. He gave a sigh, and sunk deep into his thoughts.

The end justifies the means, Machiavelli had written. Those dregs of society, the ones who corrupt and spoil the world… Raito had never spared them a single thought. They were better off left to stink in nothingness. And the world was better off without them. But if what L said were true, then he himself was preventing justice from being done. What phantom murderer would take another life tonight and take his place among the populace the next day without revealing his identity? He shivered. He did not believe himself a criminal as she said, but was the price of creating his utopia too high? And even if he decided to forfeit the Death Note and with it all his memories of being Kira, could he trust her to keep his secret? He didn't want to be sent to the execution chamber or rot inside a prison cell for the rest of his existence, that was for certain.

_But the child..._

Raito opened his eyes, found the darkness far too pressing, and reached for his bedside table to switch on the lamp. His hand knocked off an object beside his alarm clock. After fumbling with the light switch, he reached down and grabbed it.

A battered notebook with a black cover. Misa's Death Note.

Raito was spared confusion by a pink slip of paper pinned to the cover.

_Dear Raito,_

_Misa-Misa loves you very much, but she also knows you love Ryuuzaki, not her. Rem-chan told me everything. I'm not angry at you, don't worry, love. Misa promises she will leave you two alone, if that's what you really want. The only thing I want is for my Raito to be happy._

_But….if you want to come back to me, if you want to be the Killer Lord again. I can give you a name that will help. _

At the bottom, a name.

_L Lawliet_

_Misa loves you!_

_P. S. Rem-chan says she won't hurt L as long as L doesn't hurt me._

Raito could hear the rogue shinigami laugh by the window, but chose to ignore it. He simply shut his eyes and willed himself to make the right decision.

**A/N: Ok, I swear I had no idea it would be this long. I'm not really into writing fanfiction, but this idea wouldn't leave me alone until I had it pinned down in ink. **

**I apologize for the slight OOCness of the characters. This is the first time I've written for the DN fandom, and only the second time I've ever written a fanfic (the fossilized remains of my first attempt are still languishing in my account). In truth, I'm more of an essay type of writer. Feedback is much appreciated, though. Did I get characterization right? What are the worst flaws? Raito is more tender and careless here, ne? Though it does kind of seem fitting, since trusting Mikami got him where he ended up in in the end.**

**Also, please don't flame it for the genderswitch. It's called FANfiction for a reason. We can twist the canon universe whichever way we want. And Death Note has so few girls of merit I just HAD to have a female L handing Raito's arse back to him (in the words of my friend ActionFry when I told her about this idea. ) XD **

**As for the ending--- the reader can decide what happened. Did he write her name down in the note or did he give up being Kira? You decide. **


End file.
